Highschool ShardXShard
by tomio175
Summary: Issei gets the power of our favorite plot-device-as-a-character! How will Issei deal with having the Path To Victory in his head? Simple, by following a single path, one he'd unknowingly follow in canon as well... WARNING: May cause crack addiction. Slightly dead. Might change in the future.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: To those of you who haven't yet read Worm, I advise you to do so. You can find it easily by googling Worm, Parahumans and Wildbow. Note: It's quite dark, and assume every trigger warning (suicide, murder etc.).  
**

* * *

**Chapter One**

"Issei, can I ask you something?

Hyodo Issei had a voice in his head. Many people do, in fact, but those voices usually didn't tell them what to do. Especially not when your girlfriend (He had a girlfriend now!) was about to ask you something.

"Will you die for me?"

"Could you repeat that?"

"Will you die for me?" My girlfriend, Amano Yuuma, asked me, completely serious, if I wanted to die for her.

"Eh, well, you mean, like, jump in front of a bullet for you?"

"No, I mean this." Once again, completely serious. That's when I saw it. There were massive, black wings sprouting from her back. There was also a spear of light in her hands. So when the voice in my head told me to dodge, I did exactly as it told me.

"What? Well, I'll hit you with the next ones..." she muttered.

With that, a few more spears appeared. Once again, the voice told me how to dodge. Letting it guide me, none of them hit me.

Amano Yuuma, if that was even her real name, came closer, trying to stab me with one of the spears made of light. I don't even realize how that could even harm me, but I wasn't planning on finding out. This time, the voice suggested I do something strange. Well, it had kept me safe from harm, it wouldn't kill me to follow its instructions once more, would it?

And so, I jumped into the air and punched my psychotic ex-girlfriend, because no way in hell would I ever stay with her after she tried to kill me, right in the face. She didn't expect this, but then again, who would expect your less-than-average-in-PE high school student to be able to jump his own height in the air, then punch a flying Dark Angel, because that was my new name for her and I'm sticking to it, in the face?

That's right, absolutely nobody. To her credit, she recovered faster than I probably would have if the roles were reversed, but that didn't help her as I grabbed her leg on the way down. She was pulled to the ground before she came to her senses, and when she did, she at least tried to keep a semblance of a guard up.

It didn't really help her as I kicked her in the kneecap, but at least she tried. The voice was faint, but I could still hear it saying something in the back of my mind as my body was following its instructions already.

I really didn't expect it when I hit her in the face with a knee, nor did I expect the follow-up of my other foot into her stomach. At that point, I did expect the double-handed slam on the back of her head, but only because the voice was quicker in saying its instructions than I'd expected.

Huh, she really was down and out.

I heard clapping come from the bushes behind me.

"Well done, well done." Oh, not another one of these Black Angels.

I was momentarily stunned when I saw Rias Gremory, one of the two Beauty Queens of my school, come from the bushes. What surprised me even more were the demon-like wings sprouting from her back. Well, when the priest said the devil would be tempting me, I had no idea it would be this tempting.

I was snapped out of my staring when the voice in my head spoke again, and I took another stance. I didn't recognize this one, but I assumed Rias-Senpai probably would notice it.

"Not to worry, I come in peace." She said, holding her hands up. "Wait a minute, aren't you Hyodo Issei, from my school?"

This was the first time the voice told me to say something.

"Why did you use me as bait?" I said, and even though it might have sounded a bit mechanical, that was probably perfectly normal after just having beaten a girl into unconsciousness.

"Well, uh, you see, we weren't really trying to use you exactly, but for some reason, she chose you as her target." she said, caught off guard momentarily. "But I assure you, we would've rescued you!"

"Who is we?" I asked, seeing only one person there that was either conscious or not me.

"Come on out, everything's clear." she called out, and all of a sudden, it felt like I was put into a 'most popular at Kuou Academy' contest. There was Rias Gremory, Beauty Queen number one, Himejima Akeno, Beauty Queen number two, Toujou Koneko, who practically everyone saw as their cute little sister, and Kiba Yuuto, the most popular guy at school. The only one that felt out of place was me, Hyodo Issei, whose only achievement was being the number one pervert at the school, and sharing that spot were Matsuda and Motohama, my two best friends.

Saying I felt uncomfortable was an understatement, if anything.

"We were looking for Fallen Angels, and we sensed one was at our school. We pretty much knew who she was, but she'd been pretty evasive, either sneaking off or constantly being surrounded by her friends or other innocent people. This was pretty much the only chance we had." she said, smiling at me as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. I felt my cheeks heat up as I started blushing because one of the most popular girls in school had smiled at me, and I looked away. Then, it hit me.

"Wait a minute. If she was constantly surrounded by innocent people, or being very sneaky, then why choose to attack now?" I was sort of outraged. On the one hand, they pretty much said I was expendable. On the other, Rias had two very convincing arguments rather close to me.

"Well, one can hardly say you are innocent, Hyodo-san. Why, I heard the girls of my class gossip about you and your two perverted friends..." Kiba, that handsome bastard, chose to interfere at that moment. Why, I'll show him...

Oh, only three steps?

With that, I took three quick steps, lifted my leg, and aimed pretty far to the left of his crotch with my kick. Kiba, handsome bastard he may be, was quick, I'll have to give him credit for that. But when he tried to dodge, he leapt right into the kick. With a satisfying crunch, he fell to the ground. Somewhere, I felt pity well up inside of me. No man deserved that. Then I remembered how the girls were constantly hanging on him. No one man deserved that either! Handsome bastard.

The two older girls were gobsmacked. Koneko slapped me in the face, quite hard in fact.

The red-haired girl spoke once again. "Well, Issei, I get that you might be frustrated, but what I meant to say was that this was the only time we could have attacked her with as little collateral damage as possible. Imagine if she unleashed those spears in school! Here, the only person that might have been injured was you, and to be honest, if you'd have to choose between yourself and everyone in Kuou Academy, who would you choose? Honestly?"

She did have a point, unfortunately enough. Still, I kicked Kiba for good measure, then dodged the two follow-up slaps from Koneko. Totally worth it when she kicked me in the shin though. For some reason, the voice didn't help me dodge them either. Strange. She probably meant no real harm.

"Well, I'd probably choose the Academy. But only because all of the cute girls there, make no mistake! Bastards like him can rot in hell, for all I care!"

"Why is he a bastard?" the brunette of the pair asked. "I mean, he's been pretty nice to almost everyone, as opposed to a certain perverted trio spying on the girls in the locker rooms and the showers..."

My cheeks become hotter than the sun. "Well, eh... Because he gets to look good without even trying! And because of that, all girls are just hanging on his arms!"

"Have you considered he probably spends at least some time maintaining his appearance? And that he's actually nice to them, instead of spying on them and trying to blame the others who are involved when caught?"

OK, I felt at least a little bit bad about kicking Kiba in the crotch now. Still, he was a handsome bastard that could rot in hell.

* * *

At least they were nice enough to explain the basics of devils, fallen angels, and angels to me. How Yuuma was someone actually named Raynare (or something similar, I don't recall the exact name), and how she was an enemy of both angels and devils, and how they were actually devils who watched over this town.

Seriously, it was as if I had been dropped in some ridiculous anime. I saw a nun walk past on the other side of the street. Strange to see, but I knew about the church outside of town. My childhood friend and I once went exploring there, and he fell through one of the floorboards into the basement. Luckily, he hadn't broken anything and only scratched his knee. I wondered if I could ever meet him again.

Huh, the voice informed me that it was about a thousand steps if I wanted to do that, and more than a few of them involved shooting at the pope to shoot a bullet from midair. Huh, if it could do that, I wondered...

Wow, 25 867 steps. Well, with confidence, I completed step one, walk to the other side of the street. The nun's veil flew away, revealing long, blonde hair. I picked it up, and in flawless English I asked if she needed help. Step two and three, complete.

Only 25 864 more steps to go on the path to building a harem...

* * *

**A/N: Issei's power explained: His power is to find a Path to Victory, or to simplify: accomplish any objective that can be accomplished, by following the steps the voice in his head provides him. Yes, everything.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Highschool ShardXShard Part Deux**

"You want me to what." I said to the good-looking, red-haired devil-girl in front of me, who had come to my house in the middle of the night and had woken me up on an ungodly hour. Pun absolutely not intended.

"We need your help attacking the Fallen Angels' stronghold!" She said. In the silence of the night, it sounded like she was screaming. "Yuuto and Koneko already went in because of some feud Kiba has with one of their fake priests!"

So, the handsome bastard and the little sister had gotten themselves into trouble. I did what every sane man would do when a scantily-dressed, big-bosomed red-haired beauty came into your room at night and asked you for help.

I said yes.

Then, I asked the voice for help. Mhm, 248 steps. That shouldn't be too hard.

"Alright, just let me get dressed first." I said. She nodded, and kept on staring. A very, very awkward ten seconds later, she still didn't get it. "Eh, Gremory-senpai..."

"Call me Rias, Issei-kun." She said. Well, I certainly wouldn't mind getting more familiar with her.

"Rias-senpai. I sleep without clothes." I said. She blushed, but she got the hint and turned around. I got dressed very effectively using the voice in my head. Simply put one foot in one spot, the other foot in a spot a few centimeters next to it, twist juuuuuust like this and I was suddenly wearing pants. I searched for a T-shirt, threw away the first one I found and put on the second one. It was a plain, dark blue T-shirt, along with a jeans and some grey shoes. That wouldn't grab too much attention, would it?

Within five minutes, we arrived at a very familiar church. After all, I had dropped off a nun named Asia Argentina, or was it Argenta, or Argento? Argento, that's it. Anyway, I'd dropped her off the day before, since she was absolutely lost. She only spoke English in Japan, but with some headvoice-assisted help, my normally excruciatingly bad English had become accentless and flawless. I still had a bit of a hard time understanding it, but it became better without too much difficulty.

I really had to find a name for the headvoice. Perhaps call it-

Rias interrupted my thought, by introducing me to Himejima Akeno, who told me to call her Akeno. Once again, I wouldn't mind getting more familiar with her.

I was interrupted in my musings, which were most certainly not perverted in nature, and did even more certainly not involve either Rias or Akeno, certainly not both and most certainly not undressed, by Rias instructing Akeno to go in guns blazing. Well, less 'guns' and more 'magical thunder' and 'pure destruction', but you get the point.

I saw Koneko and Kiba fight a man dressed as a priest whose speed seemed unreal. Like Kiba, he was dashing to and fro, but he seemed to be able to block all of Kiba's attacks, while dodging the pews Toujou Koneko threw at him. Really, how inhuman was this guy?

The headvoice told me to go to a certain location, and extend my foot at a certain moment. Within less than a quarter of a second, I saw the priest-guy lying in front of me.

"And who's this? Some devil-servant? Have you even corrupted the kids at school?" He yelled out, with an expression on his face I could only describe as fanatical. "Well, kid, I'm sorry about this. You probably would've made a decent exorcist, even managing to trip an experienced exorcist like myself!"

Taking the advice of the headvoice, I threw myself to the left, which meant the pew hit the exorcist, as he'd called himself, yet not myself.

"Koneko, no hitting allies!" I heard Rias yell. I saw the little girl look down, as if she was a kitten who had been hit on the head.

"Nah, I didn't get hit." I said, confirming that I was in fact, not crushed by a flying church pew. From their point of view, I could certainly imagine that they saw me go down.

"So, do you two have any idea how much trouble you'll cause me? I'm supposed to call it in if we run into any trouble, like an entire battlegroup of Fallen Angels housing nearby!" Rias yelled. "You're lucky they're not anywhere near, or you would've been killed!"

I stepped away from the argument, as I didn't want to have anything to do with the whole devil politics thing. I barely got how Rias was a King, and Akeno was the Queen, unless... No, brain, too lewd.

By backing away from the argument, one of my feet, fell through one of the rotten floorboards. I saw a very familiar hole just a little bit further away, and inwardly cursed myself. This was a mere second before I fell through with a scream.

I fell on something soft, so at least I wouldn't end like my childhood friend, with scraped knees and bruises everywhere.

Wait.

The only thing that should be in the basement were a few rotten chairs and a concrete floor. So that soft thing was...

I looked down. What seemed to be a twelve-year old girl was lying knocked out underneath me. Black wings decorated her back, so at least that was another plus. I'd have hated to actually fall on someone who might've been friendly.

That's when I noticed eleven other Fallen Angels glaring at me like I'd just killed their Messiah. For all I knew, this could be at least partially true. Well, not killed, but knocked out and probably wounded her.

One of them decided to whip them into action. Probably some lieutenant of the leader I just disabled.

"Damnit idiots, don't just stand there, ATTACK HIM!" It seemed to come from an older man, who looked to be around forty. Well, if those wings didn't sprout from his back, he actually looked a bit like my childhood friend's dad. Huh, strange thing, that.

I was left little time to ponder the likeness between a man from my childhood and the Fallen Angel currently commanding the other Fallen Angels.

So, I did the intelligent thing, and asked the headvoice for help.

I slid forward, ended up just in front of the nearest Fallen Angel. I kicked myself into the air, feet first, hitting the Fallen Angel in the chin. His head snapped back as I pushed myself up using my arms, standing up just as the Fallen Angel fell down.

One down, ten to go. I stepped three steps forward, and ducked. A few spears flew over my head, grazing them. I lifted myself to his full length again, and threw a punch to his left. I felt it connect, and another one of the Fallen Angels went down.

A few well-placed kicks, punches and dodges later, and all but one Fallen Angel was left.

The bad part was that this Fallen Angel was probably the most powerful out of the bunch, as he'd been spamming those spears of light like they were toothpicks. Right now, however, he was holding a certain nun I really didn't want to see hurt.

"Don't worry about me, Hyodo-san." She suddenly said.

"What? Of course I'm going to be worrying about you. I didn't help you that day, just to get you killed today!" I yelled, without the headvoice instructing me to.

"I'm a witch, after all, I don't deserve your kindness..." She said, sadness filling her voice and tears welling up in her eyes. At that, I almost began crying himself, if it weren't for the Fallen Angel who still threatened Asia-chan.

I asked the headvoice on how to free Asia. One step. Stall for time.

Very helpful, voice. But so I did. The voice hadn't been wrong before

"Why are you even keeping her here?" I half yelled, half asked.

"Simple. When we completed the ritual, we took out her Sacred Gear and implanted it into the girl you unceremoniously landed on during your quite memorable entry." The man said, somewhat boastful. "I figure she has about six to eight hours left before the transfer is complete, but there's no stopping it.

Voice, how do I reverse the ritual? Eight steps. Fairly simple ones, even.

"You fiends. How can you do this to such an innocent girl?" I was outraged, she looked so innocent! From what I've seen of her, she wouldn't hurt a fly, and even actively avoided being a burden on people, whether she knew them or not. Not to mention how nice she'd been to me. The fact that she was cute was secondary to all of that, but it certainly helped.

And step one out of one was completed, the voice informed him. I was wondering which step the voice meant, as I saw the older Angel get hit in the back of the head by a church pew. Seriously, how did a small girl lift a bench like that? I quickly caught Asia as she fell down, struck momentarily unconscious along with the Fallen Angel, yet seemingly unharmed.

During my impromptu hug with the nun, the only thing I could think of was the fact that she might die within a few hours if I didn't do anything. I barely felt it as she stirred back to consciousness, nevermind the wealthy bosom she sported. So, without hesitation, I put the girl back on the nearby altar, alongside the Fallen Angel I'd fallen upon. Heh, ironic that a Fallen Angel would be knocked out by someone who'd fallen.

A few very complicated ritualistic actions later, Rias saw it fit to interrupt him.

"Eh, Issei, are you sure you're not a descendant of some legendary hero? Perhaps a god that decided to mingle with your great-great-great-grandmother?" She asked with genuine curiosity. "I mean, normal humans don't usually defeat an entire battlegroup of Fallen Angels..."

"Pretty certain nobody in my family that's special. I remember my grandfather saying something like 'Our family was known for its mediocrity! That's better than being very good at one thing and being bad at all the rest, remember it well, young Issei.' My grandpa had some pretty cool stuff. He even let me handle the sword he kept in his basement!" Issei replied. Realizing how wrong that must have sounded, he quickly amended, "The basement of the house. In the basement of his house, there was this metal sword. He'd made it himself, I've still got it somewhere in my house. Probably in the attic. Dad never liked swords."

"So, you're a normal human. And you've just beaten up some of the more dangerous beings around, without even getting scratched." Rias said, unbelieving.

"It wasn't that hard, I mean, if you can just dodge by stepping a few steps to the left or to the right, anyone can do that." I said. It wasn't like it was that tiring, really. I hadn't done that much.

"If your name is Bruce Lee, maybe. My, my, you certainly know how to pick them, Rias..." Akeno mused, loud enough for me to hear, but obviously not meant at me. With that, Rias and Akeno went into an intense debate.

When they were finally done bickering, the reversed ritual had already finished, yet Asia was still unconscious, probably due to the toll the ritual had taken on the poor girl. None of the devils had room for the poor girl, so she had to move in with me.

Not that I minded, of course, but I wasn't going to say that.

Before she left my house, Rias assured me she'd use her connections to enroll Asia in Kuou Academy, in the same year as mine.

I couldn't wait to see Matsuda and Motohama's faces.

After the whole debacle at the church, I took a quick glance at the clock, which stated the time as being 4:27. I'd been away for at least three hours. I undressed, keeping my underwear on just in case another devil might decide I liked being disturbed at these unreasonable hours.

I barely felt it as someone else snuck into bed with me a few minutes later. I groaned groggily, only half awake.

"Can I stay with Issei-san for tonight? I had a nightmare." I hear Asia's voice, somewhat distant because I was already half asleep, and manage to groan affirmatively.

* * *

The father of Hyodo Issei quietly opened his son's bedroom door. He must've snuck out again to go and look at those adult mags he hid under his bed. They were cleverly hid, but Issei's grandmother was even better at finding them than the boy's mother, and she hadn't been mild if she'd ever found them.

So when he found the boy asleep, he was slightly curious. When he opened the door a bit further, he could see a girl lying next to his son. A very beautiful girl, in fact, a foreign girl with a very large bosom and blond hair.

He quickly went back to his bedroom, and woke his wife.

"You'll never guess what that noise was!" He whispered.

"Issei looking at porn mags again?" She managed to groan out, half asleep.

"Issei brought a girl home." After these five seemingly impossible words, it was silent for a few minutes. Roughly one hundred and twenty seconds later, his wife responded.

"Are you sure she's here voluntarily? Issei didn't drug her?" She asked.

"Woman, no son of mine would do that! Also, she was hugging him pretty tight and had a content look on her face. That can only mean one thing..." He eyed his wife conspiratorily.

"You're right..." She eyed him back.

"GRANDCHILDREN!" They both said, and it sounded as if they had screamed it out loud.

That morning, Issei had the most awkward breakfast as he introduced Asia to his parents.


	3. Chapter 3

**Highschool ShardXShard Part Drei**

When I explained Asia's situation, or at least the abridged version that had been censored by Rias, to my parents, they instantly accepted.

"That a girl would live with our lecherous son," they said, "Pinch me, I must be dreaming."

Issei found it kind of creepy when they spoke in unison, but he wouldn't judge. After all, his grandma once told him that when his mother first introduced his father to them, it felt like she brought home her long lost twin brother. Not that his mother had a twin brother, or any other missing siblings for that matter, but it felt like it.

His grandma had never been good at keeping things short, anyway. At least her stories were coherent, unlike his crazy uncle, who'd claimed he'd found Excalibur. Although, considering he learnt about things like magic, angels both Fallen and not, Devils and probably a heap of other stuff they hadn't told him about, he might have to reconsider that claim.

"Issei, did you pack your lunch?" I'm interrupted in my musings by Asia's sweet voice, making me realize I hadn't packed my lunch, in fact.

"I knew I forgot something! Crap, it's already too late to go back... Ah, I'll just hope Matsuda and Motohama brought too much..." I said, knowing they rarely did. They forgot their lunch more often than they brought it anyway, and they then usually mooched off me.

"Maybe..." Asia began, clearing her throat once before she continued less hesitantly, "Maybe you could have some of my lunch? I think I packed a bit too much anyway."

Issei's words were stuck in his throat for a moment, not knowing how to respond to a girl offering him food. Luckily, the headvoice came to the rescue.

"I'd be very grateful, Asia-chan!" He replied, "You're a really sweet girl."

I managed to say that without stuttering. Headvoice, you're my new best friend, whatever Matsuda and Motohama might say!

Asia, on the other hand, was blushing. I barely saw that she was, as she turned her back to me. Half a minute later, she still hadn't turned around again, and I started to feel worried.

"Asia-chan, are you feeling alright?" I asked, somewhat concerned. "If you're feeling ill, I can help you get home?"

"Eh, Issei! I'm fine don't worry don't worry!" She said rapidly, a cute smile on her face. Now, perhaps you know already, but my experience with girls was practically nil. So when a cute girl smiled at me like Asia just did, I lock up. Right now, that was no different than usual.

"Issei, are you alright?" Asia asked, concerned about me. "Oh, I know what'll help!"

A translucent, green orb appeared in front of Asia, hovering just above her hand. She went over my body with it, and I felt refreshed.

"Thank you, Asia-chan!" I said, as my body had finally decided to move according to my commands again. "So, that's your Sacred Gear? You heal people?"

"Yes, it's called Twilight Healing. Donahseek, the lieutenant of the Fallen Angels, told me once. Before this whole thing happened..." Asia replied. We quickened our pace, as we would be late if we didn't.

"I think it fits you, you're always helping people. And does Donahseek look like an older guy, with a beard?" I asked, referring to the Fallen Angel that had taken her hostage.

"Yes. I hope you punched him extra hard, Issei-kun. He acted nice, but became untrustworthy once he found out about my Sacred Gear." She said, clenching her fists.

"Oh, don't worry, he got what he deserved..." I replied. When Asia looked at me inquisitively, I answered the unspoken question. "Koneko hit him from behind with a church pew. He went down like a sack of bricks!"

We arrived at school, together, which drew quite a lot of stares. Asia was the new girl, after all, and I was the unredeemable pervert. The most prominent stares came from my two best friends, and from a few moderately popular girls from our year. They couldn't hold a candle to Rias and Akeno anyway.

"Hi guys!" I greeted them as I usually did, but all I got were cold, angry glares. "So, eh, I just wanted to introduce you to Asia. She's a foreigner, and while her Japanese is a bit lacking, her English is excellent. She's staying with me for now. Please be kind to her!"

"Asia, please introduce yourself to Matsuda and Motohama." I continued in English, gesturing to the bald boy and the boy with glasses. "We've been friends for quite a while, so please be kind to them."

Thank you headvoice, for giving me decent English. I really should teach Asia Japanese, if only it wouldn't take so long...

Headvoice, I don't think she wants to be turned into a devil just to understand a language. Especially not with how religious she is.

No, headvoice, some obscure Peruvian artifact is probably not the best solution either.

Alright, alright, plain hard work it is!

While I had that inner monologue, Matsuda and Motohama had introduced themselves in their shabby English. It sounded like someone was torturing a beaver to death to me, but at least the message was clear.

That's when Motohama kicked me in the shin.

"Damn you, bastard! Such a cute girl, and she's staying with you? Impossible!" He tried to punch me in the stomach, but I managed to get out of the way thanks to the headvoice giving me directions once again. "The real Issei would never have been able to speak to a girl that beautiful, let alone have her live with him! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit! You've got to be an alien, who has abducted Issei for some perverted experiment! But Earth will never surrender to some random Alien! NEVER!"

Matsuda nodded seriously while Motohama went on his rant. I looked at the two as if they'd suddenly changed into an octopus masquerading as two humans. They weren't serious about this, were they?

They were. And they wondered why they couldn't get a girlfriend when they did stuff like this.

While Asia and I were going to class, we were stopped by a barricade of girls, all second years wielding those wooden training swords, bokken I thought they were called..

"Hyodo Issei. I am not going to let this innocent foreign girl be corrupted by you! Girls, plan A!" One of the girls yelled. I couldn't quite see which, but I assumed she was part of the kendo club. That'd explain the grudge. I was forcefully separated from Asia, and unless I wanted to be hit from every direction by these girls.

Five minutes later, I saw them walking into my classroom and gave them the biggest smirk possible. They put Asia on a seat as far away from me as they could, which wasn't very far at all, considering I was in the middle of the classroom, and put themselves between me and her. They were still glaring at me angrily. Say what you want about girls, but they can really hold a grudge...

The teacher came in, and motioned for Asia to go to the front of the classroom. Asia introduced herself in both English and Japanese, the former going a lot better than the latter. About five minutes into the lesson, Asia raised her hand to ask a question.

"I don't really understand this term, could you translate it to English?" She asked. The teacher stumbled for a moment, then seemed to remember something.

"Shouldn't you be sitting next to Hyodo-san?" He said. "I thought the principal was pretty clear on that."

He deliberately spoke slowly, so Asia would understand. She at the very least got the gist of the words, and the girl that had been sitting next to me, switched places with her. All the while glaring at me. Throughout the lesson, I continually translated for Asia, and asking the headvoice for advice.

During lunchtime, I sat alone with Asia, and we shared lunch. She packed more than enough for two people, and if I didn't know better, she probably did so because she knew I'd forget to pack my lunch. But Asia's too kind to do such a thing, so it simply must have been me.

I thought the trouble for that day had passed, since I obviously wasn't corrupting Asia despite whatever the girls might believe, but it had only just begun...

* * *

When I came into the building that housed the Occult Research Club, I had to admit it looked as luxurious as it did before, if not more. After all, instead of a boring arrangement that wouldn't be out of place in a Victorian mansion, they had several sofas in what looked like it was the living room, and they seemed to be quite comfy.

I waited for someone to come and get me, but nobody came. When I went inside to investigate, I found something I considered impossible.

A guy that looked even more handsome than Kiba. He also looked terribly arrogant. I immediately disliked him.

"Ah, finally, a servant! Fetch your master for me. Tell her Riser Phenex is waiting for her." He said, casually dismissing me afterward. At the very least, I now know my dislike was actually valid, and not born out of spite of his looks. He really was an asshole, and not only looked like one.

When he noticed I wasn't immediately conforming to his wishes, he glared at me.

"What are you waiting for? Should I spell it out for you? Go. Fetch. Your. Master." He became increasingly impatient with every word he uttered, and by the time he got to 'Master', he was standing right in front of me, glaring at me angrily and fire sprouting from his back to form wings.

Wait, fire sprouting from his back to form wings? That's not supposed to happen, was it? Oh, right, devils. I asked the headvoice on how to make this guy realize I'm not a servant.

Huh, the headvoice told me to get Rias. So I did. Turns out, she had some sort of meeting with another group of devils. I always knew something was up with the student council, that council president simply couldn't be human... Not to mention the amount of power they had. I could go on, but that would be detrimental to my current health, as I was standing in the open door from the student council to the hallway.

I was smart enough to bring Asia with me, who was peeking over my shoulder.

"So, Rias-senpai, there's a guy named Riser for you in the clubhouse." I said. "He told me to get you. Mind explaining to him that I'm not your servant?"

Rias looked terrified. The girl who'd taken on an entire group of Fallen Angels for two of her teammates looked downright terrified at the mere mention of the name Riser.

"Issei, Asia, please come with me. My peerage is out hunting a Stray Demon, and I can't afford to look weak in his eyes." She all but pleaded. I couldn't do anything but help her, and neither could Asia.

Turns out, Riser is Rias' fiancée. To be honest, I didn't expect that, but apparently the high nobility of devils have some sort of population problem. There was something about pure blood thrown in there, and it all seemed like it was some sort of medieval society to me.

That's when Riser turned his eyes towards Asia.

"Such a sweet thing. You know, I think that I'll have her directly after you on our honeymoon." He said, his words like honey. Of course, there was something false about the sweetness inherent in his words. Asia's eyes went wide, and I remembered that a devil's words were automatically translated to whatever language the other was proficient in. My blood boiled at that moment, and I asked the headvoice how to teach this arrogant bastard a lesson he wouldn't forget.

"Not a single finger of yours will touch Asia, you bastard." I said, sounding a lot more confident and a lot less angry than I was.

"Oh, is the little human going to stop me? I have some news for you, pathetic little human. I'm better than you, and I always will be. No doubt about it." The smugness of his grin was almost palpable, and I really, really wanted to punch it off his face. But the headvoice demanded something else.

"Oh? I wouldn't be so sure about that, you grilled chicken." I retorted. Riser's retort was to practically burst into flames, which would have devoured the entire room, had Rias not shielded us and it. "A duel. You, me. Seven days preparation time, you choose the location."

"Mphm. Very well. Next week, 3 o'clock in the afternoon, at my father's estates. We shall decide this like men. I suggest you bring your own weaponry, because we won't grant you any." He sneered, and left the way he presumably came, through a portal.

"Issei-kun, what have you done?!" Rias exploded, metaphorically speaking. "He's from the Phenex clan, there's no way you can win! He can regenerate endlessly, the only way you can win against him is by applying so much force behind an attack that it'll knock all the fighting spirit out of him! That's something only the most powerful of the Angels have done before, and no human has ever succeeded to do something similar!"

"Don't worry, Rias-senpai." I reassured her. "I've got a plan. I just need to contact someone I haven't seen in a long time, and hope that he remembers the favor he owes me."

Of course, the headvoice knew that he would. It would turn out just a little different than I'd hoped...


	4. Chapter 4

**Highschool ShardXShard Quattro**

Rias woke me up at five A.M. More accurately, she dragged me out of bed and hauled me to the abandoned building behind the school. I woke up on the way there, when we were around halfway. When we got to three fourth, I remembered that I slept in the nude.

"Rias, I do-" I said, but got interrupted by a frantic Rias.

"Quick, Issei-kun, we need to get you ready for the duel, which means training training training. I've managed to convince my brother to help us set up a training course to train you and we really need to start because we won't make it if you don't start right now and..." The headvoice told me to let her continue until she noticed I had bound the sheet around me, like one of those toga-things those Romans used to wear.

"Issei-kun, why do you still have that sheet in front of you?" She asked. Luckily, she didn't try to pull it away as I could've sworn she would've done. I was probably out of range. I hoped.

"Because I don't wear clothes when I sleep." I answered. "Like eighty percent of all boys."

Rias couldn't find a good comeback, so she hastily went back to my place, gathering underwear, two year old sports clothing which was probably way too small, and Asia. Who insisted on helping me get dressed as if I were a three year old child. I got the both of them to leave me alone for a moment, and started getting dressed.

"Oh my, Issei, I didn't realize you were so large..." I heard a slightly familiar voice say. I turned around to look at Akeno, the girl that had helped me rescue Asia. I wondered briefly what she was talking about, as we were about the same height, then I realized I had dropped the sheet while she was standing behind me. My eyes widened.

"Now, nothing to be ashamed off, Issei!" She said, and I wondered if the tone was meant as seductive. I asked the voice what to do, and got a response that turned me bright red. Akeno saw it, and assumed it was something she had said. She moved closer, her arm around my neck, and leaned closer.

I heard the door open with a blam.

"Issei, are you almost ready we nee- AKENO! Issei needs to train today!" Rias yelled.

"We were going to do training, Rias." Akeno said, smirking. Rias kept glaring until she relented.

"You never let me have any fun, Rias..." She said, pouting.

"Issei, at least you've got pants on. That'll do! Let's go!" I got pulled outside by Rias, into the forest. I had about a minute to contemplate my current condition, before we got to the training course.

Which looked like something directly pulled from a ridiculous game show, not something to be done seriously.

"OK, first objective: Get through the course." That should be doable. "Without getting hit." That sounded less doable. The headvoice disagreed, though, so I had a chance there.

I observed the course more closely. There was a wall with a small ledge on the bottom, with several openings from which various objects could come, to knock me into the mud. Then, there was a long, narrow walkway at which blunt arrows were shot, probably to knock me into the pit filled with mud below. Followed by a bunch of monkey bars, in which I had to dodge flamethrowers or I'd fall into the pit filled with spikes below. All perfectly reasona- Flamethrowers. Above a pit with spikes. Rias' brother, you're just a sadist.

"Rias, I don't think I'll survive." I said hesitantly. She pushed me into the starting zone, and the voice told me what I had to do.

I dodged the first punch that was thrown by lunging forward, then stepped back to avoid the second. I then ran across the entire thing, ducking and jumping as the almost comical boxing gloves were propelled forward by springs.

The walkway was surprisingly easy, as the headvoice just told me where to be to dodge the arrows.

The monkey bars were more difficult. I started swinging, then hung still at the third bar. Almost immediately, a flamethrower spewed flames right in front of me. It was scorching, but I managed to hold on long enough for the flames to recede. After three more of these encounters, my arms felt as if they'd been through torture and then been attacked by a bunch of club-wielding cavemen. I then noticed I was only halfway. I asked the headvoice how to get to the other side quickly without being almost scorched to death by the flamethrowers, and its answer was simple.

'Start swinging like this '

So I let it guide my body, and I actually didn't have any more 'encounters' with the flamethrowers. Much more pleasant than actually being scorched.

Rias stood there, her mouth open with surprise.

"I must admit." She said. "I thought you were going to run away. Turns out you are ready for Riser."

Apparently, Riser was a shitty fighter, relying mostly on his regeneration and control over fire to do the lifting for him. I likened it to being born a handsome bastard like Kiba. It didn't help that Riser apparently had a harem, according to Rias. I felt angry, but proud of myself for completing the course! Nothing could stop me now!

* * *

I was miserable. About two hours before my duel with Riser, I grew increasingly worried.

Luckily, Asia was there to calm me.

The doorbell rang, and I answered it. Hah, so my friend must finally have arrived!

I was greeted by two extremely hot nuns. They must be at the wrong address, I supposed. I was about to explain that they weren't at the church, when one of them jumped on me.

"Issei! You remembered me after all!" She exclaimed. Her voice sounded... Familiar-ish? She must have seen the confusion on my face. "It's me, Irina! Shidou Irina! We got in so much trouble when we were kids..."

She showed me a picture of me and my childhood friend, who I refused to believe was a girl, in a tickle fight. Now that she mentioned it, she did look like a little bit like him.

"So, I heard you had trouble with a devil." She said. "That's good, because I'm an official inquisitor of the Church! That means we get to ambush him. So, tell me the name of the scumbag, and where you'd meet! We need to know the lay of the land, before we attack, after all."

"Riser Phenex, at his own estate." I said calmly. Irina's companion fainted, and Irina grew pale.

"Well, eh, it's kinda problematic to ambush him there, Issei-kun... Perhaps you could persuade him to duel you somewhere else?" She tried with a weak smile.

"Oh, no, I just need to borrow your sword." I said. "Oh, and by the way, I've gotta introduce you guys to someone. This here is Asia."

I pulled Asia into view, as she'd been listening from beside the doorway.

"Issei." Irina said. "Step away from her. She's a dangerous witch, and a heretic!" Irina drew her sword, and I could feel the holy power surrounding it.

"Eh, she's Asia-chan. And if you hurt her, I will burn this!" I took out an old, worn teddy bear. Irina looked at it with both joy and concern.

"You... You... You wouldn't burn Mr. Snuggles, would you?" She said, her eyes tearing up as she lowered her sword.

"If you don't burn Asia-chan, I won't burn Mr. Snuggles." I said confidently. It felt strange, comparing Asia to a teddy bear, and even more strange comparing burning Asia to burning a teddy bear, but Irina was convinced. "I'll give him back to you..."

Irina bounced up and down with joy, dropping the incredibly holy sword on the floor in front of my house and almost ripped my arm off taking her teddy bear.

"I thought you'd throw Mr. Snuggles away..." She said, sniffing into the teddy bear. "I thought I lost him forever, you know."

It was cute, looking at her like that.

"Now, if you don't mind, me and Asia have got a duel in about two hours, and we still need to get at his estate. So, if I could..." I said, and she threw me her sheath.

"Issei." She added to that, as I gesped on the belt and put the sword in the sheath. "If you die, I'm coming to heaven myself to kill you again. Understood?"

I nodded.

"Good." She returned to hugging Mr. Snuggles.

"Oh, and by the way." I told her. "If mom comes by, tell her you were in the neighborhood and wanted to visit? She'll get you what you want, but I really have to hurry because I don't want to be late."

She nodded. I closed the door, and headed to the school. It was finally time for my duel with Riser.


	5. Chapter 5

**Highschool ShardXShard Part Five**

The way to school was rather uneventful. A few looks directed at Asia from passersby, mostly because she was a cute foreign girl. She clung closely to me, as she likely felt nervous amongst all the Japanese people.

I knocked on the front door of the Occult Research Club, and Kiba greeted me with a smile. Handsome bastard, you're not going to win me over with that smile!

He shot a suspicious glare at the sword on "my" new belt, his facial expression then quickly shifting to non-believing to humor.

"Can I see your sword, Hyodo-san?" Kiba asked me.

"Sorry, I'm trying to keep it hidden until the match. And it's nothing special anyway, don't worry. Just my grandfather's sword." The headvoice told me to say. Now, I didn't know why it wanted me to lie about it being my grandfather's sword, but it hadn't been wrong before, and it probably wouldn't be this time. "Besides, you're going to see it in the duel anyway."

"That's true. They're going to do it like in a Rating Game, apparently." Kiba said. Rias had explained Rating Games briefly to me. It was like the gladiator fights, only with more magic. And less death, apparently. "Only it's gonna be just you and Riser."

We got to the portal room, where Rias was waiting. She was going over some of the more complicated rules.

"Now, because you're not a Devil, you're only allowed in Hell because you got challenged by Riser. That means that you'll be allowed one teleport in, and one teleport out. You are supposed to bring your own weaponry..." Rias looked at the sheath, and nodded. "And only to interact with those who are present at the duel. Got all that?"

"Easy enough. Anything else?" I asked, just as the headvoice told me.

"Nothing that would apply to you, I believe. Now, hurry, we're already late!" She said, practically pushing me into the portal circle. A flash of light later, we arrived at a very luxurious estate.

"If it isn't the little boy!" I heard the snide and arrogant voice I associated with Riser. "Ready to get started?"

"Totally ready to wipe the floor with some talking fried chicken." I said. The headvoice didn't have any say in what I said to the asshole. It was close enough, anyways.

Riser glared at me, and walked away. I took that as my prompt to go to wherever I was supposed to go. I followed the headvoice's advice, and found myself waiting on what looked like the Coliseum. I only recognized it because it'd been a level in my favorite fighting game, and it was the same as it was then, completely flat.

I didn't have much time to think, as the headvoice told me to dodge to the right. A fireball flew in front of my face, lightly singing it.

More flew at me, and I located the source of the fireballs, Mister Fried Chicken himself. They were ridiculously easy to dodge on their own, but there were so many that it actually became an effort to do so. However, for every fireball I dodged, I got a step closer to the bastard that would touch Asia and Rias.

As I was only a few meters away from the overcooked turkey, I called out to him.

"Hey Fried Chicken." I yelled, lazily dodging another fireball. It was getting easy, he was letting up.

"What is it, kid? Want to give up?" He sneered, throwing another fireball towards me.

I slid underneath it, hitting him in the shins. He seemed unphased, and I had to roll to the side to dodge a cone of fire.

I roundhouse kicked him, remembering that before I followed the headvoice's advice, I couldn't even reach that angle with my feet without destroying some part of my body.

Getting a foot in his face seemed to distract him, for barely a second as I saw the tooth he just spat out simply regrow.

Oh, that was just bullshit.

The headvoice told me to take my sword by the hilt with two hands, and yell out a few words I presumed were Greek or Latin, or some other dead language. They sounded like it.

"Arturus Rex, Pactum fecit est!" The words rolled out of my mouth rather smoothly, and while unsheathing the blade, I got a deep cut on my hand. I presumed that was part of whatever was necessary to unleash some hidden power in the blade, or else that would just be silly.

The blade glowed as bright as the sun for a moment, before dimming. As Riser seemed stunned, I stabbed him.

"That's for Asia, you fucking fried chicken!" I yelled as the blade went straight through him, as if there was simply no resistance from the body at all. Quite the macabre thought, I must say. His body started glowing, and then it was gone. Rias had briefly explained to me that this was what happened when one of the combatants was defeated.

"Arturus Rex, Pactum finivit." I said, and sheathed the blade, cutting myself in the other hand. That was what the headvoice made me do anyway. Wasn't going to question it, especially not when involved with magical weaponry that could probably kill me without noticing.

As the adrenaline faded away, I realized I had cut myself in my hands, and that it hurt like hell. I couldn't even press them together, because that would be bad, and my clothes were dirtied with soot. I laughed a bit, realizing that the fight with the so-called 'High-Class Devil' had taken less than five minutes. To give him his credit, he had some talent with fire, and he could regenerate wounds, so if he capitalized on that instead of being an asshole, he probably would have been dangerous.

I finally felt the sensation of a teleport, and all I wanted to do was lie down in bed and sleep for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, Rias was standing right in front of me, along with an adult who looked like her. Her brother perhaps? Whatever the case, he wore some of the most outrageous pauldrons I had ever seen, and that comes from someone who is passingly familiar with Warhammer.

"So..." I said. "Mind letting me go home? I'm tired."

"Obviously, you would be." The older man said. "It doesn't happen every day that anyone manages to bind Excalibur's spirit to himself, much less a mortal. You have some truly impressive willpower. Rias, I must commend you on your choice of human servants He'd make an excellent Pawn one day, and I feel that-"

"Wait, back up." I said, not caring that I interrupted the older man. "Servant? Pawn? I don't know if you'd noticed, Rias, but I'm a person. Living, breathing, thinking, the whole shebang. Not some piece on a chessboard. And if you don't come up with a very good excuse, Riser isn't the only one getting stabbed today."

I was angry. I don't know if it was the headvoice that made me say this, the fight that had gotten to me, or my brain finally catching up on all the bullshit that had happened the past week.

"Issei-kun, please, it's not what you're thinking. Yuuto, Akeno and Koneko weren't born as Devils." She said, pleading. "You probably overheard me calling Yuuto a Knight, or Akeno a Queen?"

I nodded, still somewhat angry. "I did. Though Kiba really can't be that handsome without some otherworldly force involved, I refuse to believe that."

Rias smiled a bit at that. "Well, that's because they were reincarnated as Devils. I found them when they were about to die, and asked them if they'd be part of my peerage."

"So they got to live, and you get powerful servants. Sounds like a skewed deal if you ask me." I commented. It really didn't feel fair. Not even for Kiba, that handsome bastard didn't deserve something like that.

"You can ask them, none of them regret the deal. And they have to accept it willingly anyways. Not that it would matter, if you didn't want it, you'd just attack me. That would mean that I lost the pieces I invested in that person, and they'd die anyway." She explained. "To be honest, when you almost got killed by Raynare, I figured I'd need to use my pawns to revive you. Then you defeated her, and her battlegroup to boot."

"And now, you reveal yourself to be the carrier of Excalibur. I wonder what the future holds for you, kid." The man said. I felt the need to interject.

"Oh, this isn't my sword. I borrowed it from a childhood friend. Her name's Irina Shidou, her father works somewhere in Europe, last I'd heard."

"Irina Shidou." The man repeated. "Daughter of Touji Shidou?"

"I think that's his name. Last time I heard about him, I was about seven." I answered truthfully.

"He's a high-ranking inquisitor in service of the Catholic Church. And you managed to borrow Excalibur from him? What favor did you ever do him?" The man said, his tone incredulous.

"Oh, his daughter had it. I gave her back her teddy bear. She seemed to distracted to say no, really." I said. "I don't think she minds it."

* * *

Meanwhile at Issei's house.

"How am I ever going to explain this to my father, I'm a failure, I don't deserve to wield this sword..." Irina ranted, crying into the teddy bear. "Issei's going to lose, then he's going to lose the sword and then I have to explain how the sword of King Arthur got into the hands of Devils of all things..."

"There there." Issei's mom said, patting the girl's shoulder. "At least you've got Mr. Snuggles back! And what was this about Devils? Is that some street gang? Issei is fighting crime, isn't he? Oh, at least one good thing about my useless, perverted son..."

* * *

"Now, kid, I wish you good luck in your future. And Rias? The arrangements you asked for have been made, by the way." The man, who introduced himself as Sirzechs... Something I didn't quite catch it and I thought it'd be rude to ask, and who was apparently Rias-senpai's brother even though they didn't share the same last name. He'd probably taken his wife's last name. I heard about something like that becoming more common.

Rias blushed, and I asked her what it was about as we walked back to the teleport hall.

"Well, Issei," she said, "Let's just say we won't have to worry about my arranged marriage with Riser anymore..."

I didn't understand, but I attributed that little tidbit to the fact that women were indecipherable anyways. I didn't even bother anymore trying to understand them.

* * *

When I got home, I was welcomed by a crushing hug from Irina.

"Crushing... Ribcage..." I managed to groan out, before she let loose even a little bit. Even then, it was slightly uncomfortable. She'd certainly grown a lot since we met. She'd also... Grown... A lot. I felt the heat rising to my cheeks, but Irina was going on and on about how she was so glad I was safe and I didn't lose the sword.

"So, she asked. What did you have to give after you surrendered? Was it money? Your firstborn son?" She asked. She came closer, and conspiratorily winked. "Bodily services?"

I recoiled in disgust. Me and the Fried Chicken? Ugh. "No! I won. He threw a few fireballs, but then I stabbed him with this sword and it was done. Very anticlimactic, really. I'd expected some shounen-style duel, both of us bragging about whose power of friendship was best, and all that. Instead, I get to stab someone I dislike exactly once."

Irena was silent.

"Say, where's your friend?" I said, barely managing to suppress 'the other hot nun'. The headvoice explicitly forbade me to say that. That was a first.

"Xenovia? She went out by herself, looking for a holy artifact." She said. "She said she'd start at the abandoned church. Fallen Angels have been sighted there three days ago, according to our sources."

Wait, hadn't Rias, her peerage, and I cleared that place more than a week ago? Well, this was bad news...

"Issei..." Asia's voice suddenly came from behind me. "Are you sure she's not going to stab me or put me on a stake and burn me?"

"Yes, Asia-chan, I'm a hundred percent sure." I said. "After all, she promised!"

Irina held Mr. Snuggles a tiny bit closer to her, as if to protect him. To be honest, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to hurt the little guy, but Irina didn't know that. I intended to keep it that way.

"So, we've got to find your friend first then, Irina?" I said.

"Since you won against that devil," Irina said, "You can probably hold your own. I know what the witch -Sorry, Asia- can do, and she'll be a tremendous help, however heretical it may be. As a Junior Inquisitor, I officially have to condone this."

Irina actually looked all haughty when she said that. We looked each other in the eye for a moment before we fell into laughter.

"Just like old times, then?" I said, still laughing.

"Just like old times." She answered, between bursts of laughter.

Asia looked at us like we'd grown insane.

**A/N: And now, for the explanation of the Excalibur and the whole holy weaponry shebang, because I wasn't able to fit it into the chapter. I might be able to in a later chapter, but I'm going to explain it for you right now.**

**There is no such thing as a 'holy' weapon. It's just a spirit in a weapon. Now, if you're a good person, you'll be able to attune with a good spirit. Same for a bad person and a bad spirit.**

**The stronger of will you are, the stronger the spirit you'll be able to attune to can be. Excalibur, given its mythical status, is actually somewhat mediocre. It's strong and well-known, but there are stronger weapons than Excalibur (e.g. Ea, weapons of dead gods, Gae Bulg, etc.), and weaker ones (Hauteclaire, Sagitta(One of Hercules' weapons), Spear of Achilles, etc.).**

**Usually, a fragment the spirit of the Hero/Villain that wielded these inhabits these weapons, allowing the person wielding the weapon to channel the skills used by these heroes in battle as if they were their own. What happens if you channel something that's too strong for you? Depends on the spirit. In the case of Excalibur, absolutely nothing, except you've just cut yourself in your hand. In the case of something more malevolent, say, Clarent, the sword wielded by Mordred? Lots of pain.**

**Every weapon has a 'lineage'. Say, you're the great-great...-grandson of Achilles somehow, then you'd have an easier time wielding his spear than someone who isn't. Which makes these people with a lineage much more desirable, of course, which is a curse all of its own.**

**That said, criticism is always accepted.**

**Also, I realized I should've written it like this:**

**"Can I see your sword?" Kiba said.**

**"Sorry, I don't swing that way." Issei replied.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Highschool ShardXShard Chapter Six**

Irina, Asia and I were getting ready to search for the girl that was with her, Xenovia, I think that was her name. Just like Irina, she arrived in nun's robes, concealing almost everything but her face. Damn those catholics, wanting to conceal the bodies of these girls!

"We should probably bring some food with us. It's already getting late, and I don't get a lot of spending money." I said.

"Well, we had a generous budget to work with." Irina began. "But we gave it all to those who really needed it, so now we have nothing for ourselves left but the tickets back to Rome."

"Well, at least there's still food in my house."

A knock on the door interrupted us.

"I'll get it!" Asia said, leaving the two of us alone for a moment.

"So, how come you became an Inquisitor?" I asked, curious.

"Dad was one. And since I'm his heir, I have to wield this sword now." She wiggled the sword at her belt. "And I've got to get used to it, since dad's gonna retire soon. And I'm a Junior Inquisitor, which means I still have to pass my secondary initiation tests. To test if I'm actually ready, you know. Devils can do some depraved things, and an Inquisitor needs to be able to resist that while fighting..."

The headvoice told me to change the subject, so it was probably a touchy subject.

"So, what did you actually do the last ten years?" I asked. "Or however long it was, I don't really remember..." I rubbed the back of my neck, because I probably should've known.

Luckily, Irina didn't seem to mind, and she brightened up considerably. "I made a few friends in England, where my dad's stationed, I trained a lot to become Junior Inquisitor, and I went to school. That's about it. What about you?"

I was about to answer when I got told by the headvoice to kick in the direction of the door. I wondered why for a brief moment, then did so.

Just as I started to move my foot to do so, I saw the door burst into splinters, an angry Kiba rushing in. He met my foot headfirst, and went down. He got up really quick after that, so he was probably okay, and was holding a sword that, to me, was the epitome of evil.

Slightly behind him was Xenovia, the girl we were going to seek. Search completed, I guess?

"WIELDER OF EXCALIBUR!" He yelled, looking straight at me. "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL."

I looked at him like he'd suddenly grown wings. Bad metaphor, because he already had those, but the point should be clear.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" He asked, frustrated. Meanwhile, Irina had drawn the sword, and its glow grew stronger.

"Very well, devil. Prepare to be banished in the name of God!" She yelled back, raising the sword to meet Kiba's challenge.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" I yelled. "Kiba! No hitting cute girls! Irina, no hitting Kiba! Rias-senpai might get mad at me if you do!"

The both of them looked at me like I'd just told them to hide in a fishtank.

"Hyodo-san, she-"

"Issei, he-"

Both of them talked together, looked at one another again, looked back to me, then got back to glaring at one another.

"Alright, Irina first because I like her more."

"He's a devil! God demands we cleanse the earth from his kind!" She said, keeping her sword and her glare up.

"Alright, Kiba?"

"The Church killed me and my friends looking for an artificial wielder of Excalibur. The Holy-Sword program. Ring some bells?" He said, as he too kept his sword his guard up.

"Oh, so that's you? So your Sacred Gear is that of 'Sword Birth'? This will be interesting." Irina removed her nun's robes with a simple movement, revealing a skin-tight, revealing costume.

She dashed forward, her sword clashing with Kiba's, and Xenovia joined in, wearing the same skin-tight and revealing outfit Irina was. I almost fell down crying, because two girls that hot were practically naked before my 'trained' eye.

Kiba barely held his own against the two, replacing the demon-swords that got destroyed, and occasionally going on the offensive for a brief period, only to be driven back in moments. It was obvious to anyone that he'd probably lose, but I had no idea how long it'd take.

Xenovia and Irina worked together quite well, but they too made mistakes, such as getting in each other's way, only their quick reflexes saving them from impaling the other.

I interrupted the three of them by grabbing the two girls by the back of their suits, lifting them up, and kicking Kiba in the crotch.

"If you are going to duel, please don't do that inside of my house. And despite being a handsome devil bastard, Kiba isn't that bad, really." I said. Really, what was it with superpowered people trying to screw up my life? The three of them looked to the ground in shame. "Now, you're going to clean everything up. And Kiba, you're going to pay for the vase you broke. Also, Asia, mind getting the cleaning supplies? They're not leaving until everything's sparkly clean again."

Irina and Xenovia looked at each other in horror. They dreaded cleaning. Kiba was still on the ground, obviously in pain.

* * *

After a few minutes, Rias arrived, and fixed everything with magic. Damn, now I couldn't watch Irina and Xenovia clean the room. Asia quickly healed Kiba.

"Now, mind explaining the whole thing to me before I decide I don't like devils?" I asked.

Kiba explained the experiments conducted on him, often in detail. It surprised me he had survived all that, and I respected him a bit more for that. He was still a handsome devil bastard, though, that wouldn't change.

"Rias, does Hell have any psychiatrists?" I asked her. Rias nodded. "Get him one. Before he completely snaps."

I read that soldiers got PTSD from fighting, and Kiba had done pretty much nothing but. The headvoice advised it as well, which meant it couldn't hurt, right?

"Now, Issei, I need to ask you a favor..." Both Irina and Rias began. Irina glared at Rias, and Rias glared back.

"Rias?" I decided to ask her first as her boobs were the largest. That was the best way to solve this kind of stuff, I decided.

"I'd like you to compete with us in the upcoming dodgeball tournament." She asked. "As an interim member of the Occult Research Club, of course."

"Sorry Rias, I'm already competing with Motohama, Matsuda, Asia and one of Asia's friends." I said. Rias looked somewhat defeated, while Irina looked happier than before. "What was her name again?"

"Kiryuu Aika, she's in our year." Asia replied. "She's pretty nice, but thinks about sex too much."

That sounded like someone had taken me, Motohama or Matsuda and turned them into a girl. I shuddered at the thought.

"So, we'll kick your ass!" I said, fist raised as in a victory pose. "Now, Irina also wanted to ask something?"

"Yes, Issei. Could Xenovia and I sleep in your house until we've finished our mission?" She asked, trying her hardest -and succeeding at- looking cute. I pretty much couldn't say no.

"Alright." I said. "But you'll have to sleep in the attic, there's no more room otherwise. No problems with that?"

"Thank you Issei-kun!" She said, and hugged me. While in her battle outfit, not the nun's robes.

On the downside, I still had to explain to my parents why there were two more girls sleeping in our house...

**A/N: And the chapter is finally done. Somewhat more of a filler, really.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Highschool ShardXShard Chapter Seven**

The participants of the annual tournament held in Kuou Academy were usually clubs. Very rarely did groups who weren't members of a club participate.

And that was exactly what me, Asia, Kiryuu Aika, Matsuda and Motohama were going to do. We barely made it to the five mandatory participants, and only because Asia had asked Aika.

I arrived slightly late to school, and saw Aika-san grinning at Motohama and Matsuda, who were looking ashamed and angry.

"This... This... This power!" Motohama said, "We should kill her, so she can't torment any other males!"

"Mhm, we should!" Matsuda answered. "But isn't murder illegal?"

The two of them continued as we approached Aika-san.

"Hello Asia-chan!" She yelled, and turned her eyes to me. "And who's this, your boyfriend?"

Asia-chan's cute face became as red as a tomato. The headvoice told me to move my legs in a specific way, and Aika's eyes widened.

"Wha- No way! That can't be true! This is impossible!" She started crying out. "Asia-chan, you're so lucky to have him as your boyfriend!"

I had absolutely no clue what that was about, and apparently, neither had Asia. Before we could ask for an explanation, we were called to the court.

First match of the day, against the Kendo club! These girls held a grudge against me, Motohama and Matsuda for peeping. Seriously, they'd already beaten us up with their practice swords more than once, and we'd only looked once! Every time someone came to peep, they'd blame us! It was unfair, unfair I tell you! It was only us about 98% of the time!

Of course, us three got targeted first. Motohama got the ball against his head, and was out. When he sat down on the bench, it was Matsuda's turn to throw. He missed, of course, and the kendo club got the ball. One of them threw it very hard at me, and I managed to dodge just in time, thanks to the headvoice assistance. It hit Motohama right in the face, which gave him a headache, and gave us the ball.

The headvoice told me how to throw, and I managed to hit one of them. The girl gave me a glare that would've killed me were it not for the fact that she wasn't a gorgon. Lucky me, I guess?

The leader of the club threw, and hit Matsuda in the crotch. The bald, ex-jock limped to the side, and sat down on the bench, whimpering.

Aika threw the next ball, and she actually hit one of the girls, which meant it was two to two, and if the glint in the kendo club leader's eye was to be believed, they had some sort of secret move.

They threw the ball high up in the air, and boosted one of their members after it. The ball came down, the girl caught it and threw it at me. It was lightning fast, but with a quick sidestep, it hit the person who'd been using me as a shield. Unfortunately, that would be Asia. Needless to say, that got me quite mad. I carried her to the bench and softly laid her down on it, and Aika was about to throw the ball when I stopped her by holding her wrist. I took the ball from her hand, even as she looked at me, bewildered.

I then threw as hard as I could, at an angle the headvoice told me to. It hit the leader, then one of the remaining girls, the leader again, another of the remaining girls that hadn't been hit, the leader again, then the last girl that hadn't been hit, then the leader again, and then the two girls on the bench.

The referee was gobsmacked, and didn't know what to do. The kendo club had a similar expression (with slightly more pain) on their faces, and the crowd looking was absolutely stunned that I could actually do something like that.

"BULLSHIT!" Someone from the public yelled, several people agreeing with him. "Hyodo must have cheated!"

"Indeed he did!" Aika-san yelled. "He bribed the ball to hit all the girls at once, obviously! He did this just after I blackmailed physics!"

"Exac- Wait, what?" The accuser yelled. "That doesn't make sense!"

"Winner, team Perverts and Asia!" The referee called out above the cheers. "Next match, the Occult Research Club against the tennis club!"

I got to see Rias, Akeno, the handsome bastard, Koneko and two students from the student council defeat the tennis club with ease.

Our next match was against the manga club, which consisted of a few girls who very obviously didn't like to come out, and a few guys who very obviously didn't like moving. They did know how to put power behind their throws, as Matsuda got hit in the crotch again, and Motohama's face met the ball again. Luckily for them, they didn't hit Asia, and they were soundly defeated by myself and Aika.

"You're very skilled at handling balls, Aika." Asia said. "You as well, Issei!"

Aika fell down in bursts of laughter, while I grew as red as a beet.

"What's wrong?" Asia asked. "I used the right words, didn't I? I just said you were good at... Oh."

With that, Asia's cute face was even more red than mine.

Our next round consisted of me and Aika defeating the opposition, Asia taking cover behind me, and Matsuda and Motohama getting hit multiple times despite being on the bench for almost the entire match. They really pissed of the wrong club. Never knew the swimming club could hold such a grudge.

The last round was against the Occult Research Club. Which caused quite the dilemma. If I hit any of them, it'd earn me the ire of every boy in school. If I hit the handsome bastard, it'd earn me the eternal hate of every other girl in school, possibly excluding Aika. Which is why I resolved to the tactic of getting them eliminated through intermediary.

Or in simpler terms, get Aika to hit them. Which was honestly, harder than it sounded. Kiba had inhuman speed, Rias and Akeno were faster than I would've thought, Koneko could pretty much catch anything, and the two from the student council must've been devils as well, because they were faster than any student at this age had the right to be.

So, once again, Matsuda and Motohama got eliminated, this time through normal hits, and their face and crotch were spared. So, I constantly gave the ball to Aika, in hope that she would actually hit anyone without them catching the ball. The first one out was Koneko, because she hadn't expected the ball to curve in mid-air like it did.

Thank you headvoice for allowing me to do bullshit physics like that, even though it was actually Aika's work.

Then Aika got hit by Rias, and me and Asia were the only ones left. I threw at Kiba, hitting his left ankle. My reward was a loud and very feminine 'boo' erupting from the stands.

Then, I hit the guy from the student council. Sachi? Saji? Something like that. The first year from the student council was next, and I didn't know her name. Then, I was pretty sure I'd hit Akeno. Referee didn't see it though, he was too distracted by the wild dodge she just did.

That was when Rias hit me, full in the chest. It hit like a cannonball, and I managed to catch it, despite being forced to walk back and fall on my back to avoid having anything worse than bruising the day after. Now, headvoice, mind helping me?

Alright, step one, get back up. Step two, throw the ball at Akeno.

I hit her legs, and she had to go to the side.

"Go Rias!" I think I heard her yell.

"BOO HYODO!" I was pretty sure I heard the entirety of the crowd yell that. "DEFEAT HIM RIAS-SAN!"

Rias bended forward to pick up the ball, revealing an awful lot of cleavage for a school's PE shirt. Damn devils, I would win this! For Asia-chan's sake!

That's why I managed to catch the ball Rias threw at me, because I wasn't focused on her chest as much as I normally would be. Which, in turn, allowed me to hit her while she was still staring in unbelief about me catching the ball.

"WOOOHOOO!" Motohama yelled.

"Team pervert wins!" Matsuda yelled.

Not helping, guys...

**A/N: And that was the dodgeball tournament, because I wanted to write that instead of actual plot-related shenanigans. You may, however, take your expectations of anything advancing the plot out of the garbage bin, the next chapter will be smashing!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Highschool ShardXShard Chapter 8**

I stood at the locked door of the Occult Research Club. Right, it wasn't a school day. How stupid of me.

I turned around, intending to go back home, when I walked into Rias.

Quite literally.

"Watch where you're goi- Oh, hey Issei." She said cheerfully. "Oh, and Asia's with you as well!"

"Hello Rias-senpai!" I answered. "Where are the others?"

"Oh, they went shopping." Rias answered brightly. "I was going to come by and ask if you'd like to come with!"

"Sure!" I answered. I was unprepared for the horror that was shopping with girls.

* * *

"Asia, that blouse would go great with your green skirt!" Rias said, guiding the ex-nun to one corner of the store, while Koneko went to another part of the store. Kiba and I were sitting with another guy on the only couch in the store.

"You here with your girlfriend as well?" one of them asked me.

"I wish..." I answered with a sigh. Kiba had already fallen asleep.

"Oh. Well, girlfriend-to-be, maybe?" he said, hoping to cheer me up.

"Hopefully. They're really nice to me, and very pretty too." I said. He and I shared a glance. "Nice breasts as well."

We both howled with laughter, waking Kiba up.

"Who what where I swear I was awake!" he said as he stood up. "Oh, it's just you. I was trying to sleep, damn it."

"Issei!" I heard Akeno yell from one of the changing booths. "Could you come help me for a moment?"

"I'll be there in a moment." I yelled back. The guy on the bench gave me a pitying look. Kiba had gone back to sleeping.

I got to the changing booths, and quickly found the one Akeno was in. "You wanted me to help, Akeno?"

"Yeah, could you come in for a moment?" I heard her say. I did as she said, and walked in on Akeno in a skintight dress. "Could you close the zipper on the back?"

I found myself unable to move, enraptured by the beautiful sight before me, and asked the headvoice for help. My arm closed the zipper in a quick, mechanical motion.

"Akeno, have you seen Is-" I heard Rias say as she looked in the changing room. "AKENO!"

"Ara ara, Rias, no need to get so upset, I was just asking Issei for help." Akeno replied in that smooth voice of hers. "Isn't that right, Issei?"

I swallowed before answering. "Yeah, uhm, yeah, she couldn't get the, uh, zipper closed, that's it. Right, she couldn't close the zipper on her back."

Rias stared at Akeno, then quickly dragged me out of the changing room, and went in herself. I heard some whispered arguing, and Rias came out of the changing booth a lot less happy than before. When she saw me, a smile broke out again.

"Good! So, Issei, what do you think?" she asked. I had, honestly, no idea what she meant. She probably meant the skirt, because she hadn't worn one that looked like the one she was wearing before, but she might mean the T-shirt, or she might mean both. What a dilemma would that be, if I didn't have the headvoice. It told me to turn around and compliment Asia.

"Very nice, Asia!" I said, and was rewarded by a bright smile from Asia and Rias.

"Thanks, Issei! Rias helped me pick it, and I didn't know if you'd like it or not!"

Rule #1 when dealing with girls, I'd learned, never tell them they didn't look good, and under no circumstance tell them they're fat.

After about a thousand more fitting sessions, in which I judged Rias, Akeno, Asia and even Koneko's clothing with the help of the headvoice, it was finally time to leave. Then, Asia realized she didn't have any money and started to panic. Luckily, Rias offered to pay. After being reassured that she wouldn't have to give her soul or her firstborn or something equally ridiculous to Rias, Asia relaxed.

Then, both I and Kiba were used as a pack mule, although Koneko was stronger than the both of us combined. According to Rias, it would be bad if people saw we let a little girl carry all those clothes.

So, with us nearly collapsing from the weight of the bought clothes, and me thinking the torment to be over, we enter another shop. And another, and another, and another, and another. With Rias' parents being quite wealthy, we didn't leave any of the stores without something to add to either of our loads.

Four hours of shopping later, our backs are on their breaking point, but neither of us is willing to give up. So, we enter what would hopefully be our last shop. For anyone who's never shopped with a girl before, take it from me. They always, always spend the longest time at the shoe store. It doesn't matter that they don't need any new shoes, they'll always spend at least an hour there, usually more.

Luckily, me and Kiba found man's best friend, the sofa, within moments, and set ourselves down.

"This is so boring." I said.

"Agreed." Kiba said. And for a few moments, I thought of Kiba as someone who wasn't a handsome bastard, but as a brother in need. A great need, even! So, I did what every other man would've done.

I took him to the arcade next to the shoe store.

Maybe this arcade had been built there for the men unfortunate enough to be taken shopping with their girlfriends?

* * *

Kiba turned out to be good at Dance Dance Revolution. Really, really good at Dance Dance Revolution. While he was playing, at least half of the entire hall looked at him, as well as all the girls there. Now, they weren't the nicest-looking girls, but there were at least 10 of them! Ten girls, in one arcade! Who'd have thought!

Thanks to the headvoice, however, I was kicking his ass soundly. So while they were still looking at Kiba, I was the better of the two. As the song finished, Kiba was actually panting.

"That was way too exhausting," he said. "Let's do something less tiring, OK?"

"Alright. How about Time Crisis?" I proposed. When he nodded, I lit up internally. He had no idea what he was starting, I'd been playing that game ever since I could hold the gun reliably. My dad had actually bought me an arcade machine, because it was cheaper than my daily arcade visits. Needless to say, I didn't even need the headvoice to defeat him, despite his enhanced reflexes.

"Oh, if it isn't Hyodo Issei and Kiba Yuuto..." I heard a female voice behind me. I turned around immediately. Kiba, startled by both the sudden appearance of the girl and my sudden movement, almost formed a sword and fell into a battle stance. Which, when you're not actually threatened, looks ridiculous. Take that, handsome bastard!

"Oh, hello Aika-san." I replied, headvoice moving my legs slightly again.

"Oh, Time Crisis? How about we play a game then?" she said, twirling a quarter around her fingers.

She was good. Really, really good. She was giving me a run for my money, at least.

In the end, I won, but it was close.

After one and a half hours of arcade gaming, we went back to the shoe store. Aika went and challenged another guy to some racing game, and the soundly defeated the poor waited for another hour while the girls shopped before we finally got out there. They hadn't noticed we'd been gone, and nobody had even touched the bags.

As a person who'd actually been to hell, I'd prefer going there again over going back to the mall.

**A/N: Because slice of life is so much more fun than actual plot!**


	9. Chapter 9

**ShardXShard: The Highschoolening Chapter Nein**

"Kiba..." I groaned out, after being completely tired out from the day of shopping. I was lying in the couch in the Occult Research Club's clubhouse, staring at the ceiling.

Rias, Asia, Koneko and Akeno were in the back, trying on whatever they had bought. Rias' parents must have some seriously deep pockets, if she could pay a bill that must've gone up into the hundreds of thousands of yen without batting an eye.

"Yes, Issei?" he managed to groan back from the other couch. He was in a similar position.

"I heard about Fallen Angels coming into town, from Irina." I heard him groan as I mentioned the Junior Inquisitor's name. "Want to go beat them up?"

"Don't think that's a smart plan, Issei," he replied. "Besides, Rias would totally punish us for not telling her."

Come on, headvoice, help me out here? Alright, then.

"She didn't notice us slipping out for an entire hour and a half. You'd really think she'd notice us slipping out to kick some Fallen Angels back to wherever they come from?" I said, while turning to Kiba. "By the way, why would she punish us for beating up some of your enemies? What are we going to say, 'sorry we beat up the people who'd totally skewer us the first chance they get'?"

"Good enough," he replied, and we were off.

* * *

"I'd really hoped finding them would be easier," I said, as we'd already spent half an hour in town just looking for the Fallen Angels.

Then I remembered, I should've just asked the headvoice. When I did, I got some quality instructions to the nearest Fallen Angel lair. But that would almost look like I'd be leading Kiba into a trap, wouldn't it? Alright, maybe give me instructions to get there without looking suspicious?

Mhm, it could do that as well. Alright, let's do this!

And just like that, Kiba and I arrived at the abandoned church. The déjà vu was strong with this one.

"I think this is it," I said, and with that the current path was done.

"No, really?" Kiba said sarcastically, "What gave it away? The ominous shadows surrounding it?"

Now that he mentioned it, that sounded really suspicious indeed.

"Or the notice on the door, saying 'non-Fallen Angles keep out'?" he continued.

They didn't even spell 'angels' right. I was beginning to doubt the competence of these Fallen Angels.

I carefully opened the door, and was greeted by a fanatic I'd hoped I'd never meet again.

"IF IT ISN'T MY FAVORITE DEVIL AND THEIR RESIDENT PET!" He yelled, activating his lightsword-thing.

"I'll handle him," Kiba said. No problem, Kiba, I'll handle the occasional Fallen Angel coming our way. Because they're totally not corrupted forces of good who could probably shishkebab me without a second thought. Handsome bastard!

I noticed only a single Fallen Angel, who ran away into the basement as soon as he saw us. Must've been scared.

I laughed for a moment, before changing my focus to the insane exorcist. He was faster than before, and I realized that the only way I'd be able to damage him was making him dodge my attacks to get clipped by Kiba's.

Then I noticed the horde of Fallen Angels emerging from the basement, with a really large guy leading them. I prepared to dodge their spears of light, but then the big dude held his hand up.

"If it isn't one of the Gremory's minions, and their pet human," he said. "I heard you beat up Raynare and Donahseek." I was so boned right now, he'd totally skewer me. "Freed, you can handle the failed test subject, can't you?"

I saw the deranged fanatic nod once, before dodging another of Kiba's attacks.

"Very well. None of you are to interfere. Then, Hyodo Issei, prepare to fight me, Kokabiel, leader of the Grigori, Scourge of the Light, Holder of the Whip o-" he went on and on and on about his titles, and it took five very long minutes before he was finally done.

"Does he do this often?" one of the Fallen Angels asked silently during the monologue.

"Yes. Every time." an older Fallen Angel whispered back.

"So, Hyodo Issei, you now know my name. Prepare. To. Die!" Kokabiel finally said.

With that, he waved his hand and spears of light rained down from above. If it wasn't for the headvoice, I would have been hit by most, if not all of them.

"So, you do have some talent after all. Perhaps I shouldn't have punished my subordinates so harshly." And once again, he went off on a monologue about the proper treatment of minions. I asked the headvoice on how to make it stop, and purposefully took a coin from out of my pockets, and stealthily threw it at the monologuing Kokabiel.

"Now, you have to realize that good mooks are hard to find, and when you find one, you've got to treat them exactly right. Not too harsh, or they might leave, but not too lax, or they might think they can get away with -URK" Kokabiel started coughing before he fell to his knees, coughing and hacking all the way. He then fell down on his back, skin turning into a sickening shade of blue.

I had an extremely insane idea, one that just might work. I asked the headvoice for help, and got it.

"Do you yield?" I asked, foot on his chest. He frantically nodded. I pushed hard, just the way the headvoice told me and I think I heard ribs crack. With a pop, the coin flew out of his mouth. I grabbed it and put it in my pocket. Eww, Fallen Angel saliva...

"My thanks, mortal. I'll allow you and your ally to leave unharmed." With that, Freed stopped instantly and looked at the Fallen Angel like he'd gone insane.

"Actually..." I said, a smile growing on my lips, "According to the Grigori decree of 1358, anyone that defeats a member of the Grigori could demand to take the place of the one he or she defeated."

"That only applies to Fallen Angels, mortal, not to your kind," Kokabiel's voice thundered. "Now leave before I change my mind!"

"Aaaaaaactually..." I drew out the A to annoy him, "it excludes demons, angels and people with one or more heroic ancestors. I've checked my family tree, no heroes there. Absolutely none. Perfectly mediocre people, every single one of them."

I gave him a conspiratory wink.

Kokabiel glared at me and for one moment, I'd thought he'd kill me right there. Then, his eyes widened as he realized what I was saying.

"Fuck it," he said, throwing his hands to the roof. "I'm tired of leading these idiots anyways, always having to be such a fanatic about battle. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go on a long vacation to somewhere sunny, where the girls wear nothing but palm leaf dresses and coconut bikinis. I'll come back when you're dead."

"Go right ahead," I said. Going to one of those places might be something to look into, someday.

And with a pop, the leader of the Fallen Angels disappeared.

"Sooo..." one of the Fallen Angels in the horde said, "All hail lord Hyodo?"

As one, the Fallen Angels roared: "ALL HAIL LORD HYODO!"

A hand grasped my shoulder. I quickly turned around, expecting to see Freed and the rapidly cooling body of Kiba, but unfo- luckily, the handsome bastard had survived.

"Freed ran away," he said, "But I'm not going to be the one to explain this to Rias."

Shit.

**A/N: I had fun writing this.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Highschool ShardXShard Chapter One Oh**

"ALL HAIL LORD HYODO!" all the Fallen Angels chanted. I didn't mind my new followers' chanting, but one can only hear 'All hail lord Hyodo' so many times before it becomes tiring.

"Alright guys, that's enough for now." I said.

"YES LORD HYODO!" every Fallen Angel yelled.

"So, where are all the Fallen Angel-girls?" I asked, expecting a group of well-endowed women like Raynare to appear.

"Sir, we're part of the War group." one of them said, as if that explained everything. I was quiet for a moment and the Fallen Angel before me started squirming. With full conviction, he then said, "Sir, we're the group that fights constantly. Guys are just better at fighting than girls. And when we told the girls that, they wisely followed Azazel in his Research group. Also girls are icky and have cooties."

My brain processed this for a moment. I wanted to cry. Then another moment. I wanted to cry even more. After a minute filled with these moments, without any tears flowing, I finally exclaimed the sentence my brain had presented me, which was obviously the best response to this situation.

"What."

Brilliant comeback, Issei.

"Issei, are you alright?" Kiba asked me, probably concerned about why I had been silent for precisely a minute.

"A DEVIL! LORD HYODO, WE WILL SAVE YOU!" the Fallen Angels shouted as one, and they dogpiled Kiba.

For a moment, I was amused at Kiba's suffering. Then, I remembered this whole situation would be a lot easier to explain to Rias with Kiba helping me.

"Guys, get off him."

"YES LORD HYODO!" they shouted, and they un-dogpiled Kiba. Groggily, the handsome bastard sat up.

"Issei, let's just go to Rias, OK?" he said, trying to sit up, battered and bruised.

"A DEVIL! LORD HYODO, WE WILL SAVE YOU!" the idiots shouted again, and Kiba was once again subjected to being dogpiled by a horde of Fallen Angels.

Did these guys have the memory of a goldfish or something? No wonder they fell, not even God wanted them.

After half an hour of Kiba-dogpiling, I finally managed to make them see Kiba as a non-hostile person. Mainly by telling them Kiba was an informant of mine.

Now I just had to manage to do the same thing for Rias and her entire peerage. Headvoice, some help?

"Alright everyone, we're going on an undercover mission-" Not a moment after these two words had left my mouth, or every Fallen Angel was dressed in a brown trenchcoat with a matching fedora, wearing sunglasses and had a newspaper in front of their face. While still leaving their wings out in the open.

"-To the Gremory peerage. So don't dogpile every Devil you come across, OK?"

Headvoice, how do I get them there without everyone noticing that there are people with wings walking the street?

Huh, remarkably simple.

"Lead on, 'informant'!" I told Kiba, and I winked twice and nudged him with my elbow while saying it.

"Yes, Lord Hyodo." he replied, with a rather smug smile.

"ALL HAIL LORD HYODO!"

Damnit Kiba.

* * *

Getting to the Occult Research Club had been remarkably easy.

"We're cosplayers for that new anime coming out in a few weeks." I just said. Most of these people didn't know about anime anyway, and wouldn't be able to tell that I was lying. Suckers.

"Rias, are you there?" I yelled.

"Issei!" "Issei!" two voices yelled out. One of them was Asia, the other was Rias. They took me in a crushing hug.

"Good thing you're back!" Rias said with poorly hidden glee in her voice, "You need to carry Asia's bags back to your house."

"It's a good thing I have my own minions, then!" I said, before she noticed the entourage of Fallen Angels, who were still in brown trenchcoats with matching fedoras, sunglasses, and newspapers. Somewhere along the way, they had each taken a pair of Groucho Marx glasses from God knows where, and had made holes in the newspapers they were carrying at eye-height. Looking closely, they were from about nineteen years ago.

"Oh, wow! You've already convinced such a big group of completely ordinary and completely unsuspicious humans to work for you!" she said, completely serious. Asia looked at her like she'd just said the grass was blue.

"Eh, Rias?" I said, prompting her to turn her head back to me. "How do I say this... They're all Fallen Angels."

"Really?" she asked, still completely serious.

"Yes. You might notice the fact that they're reading the newspaper in the late evening while wearing sunglasses. You might also notice the fact that they're all wearing the same outfit, and now that I look a bit closer, they all look alike too. Although that's probably normal for minions. Second-to-last, you might notice the Groucho Marx glasses on the newspapers. And last of all, if you're perceptive enough, you might just notice the giant black wings sticking out of their backs."

"Huh, now that you mention it." she said. Then, she seemed to realize I was being followed by just a little less than thirty Fallen Angels. Even worse, they were following my commands.

"WE ARE ALL DOOMED!"

So, I started explaining my situation to Rias.

* * *

"So let me get this straight, Issei. You snuck out with Kiba to fight with a few Fallen Angels you had next to no intel about, come across one of the very few Archangels that have fallen from heaven, and defeat him by throwing a coin in his windpipe? That sounds a little hard to believe."

"Well, yeah. But I basically made something up about some law from the 14th century, and he went along with it. When putting me in command, he said he was going, and I quote, 'on a long vacation to somewhere sunny, where the girls wear nothing but palm leaf dresses and coconut bikinis'. Can't say I disagree, it would be nice to go somewhere where the girls wear nothing but palm leaf dresses and coconut bikinis."

"I'm just glad Issei-kun is safe." Asia said, still hugging my left arm.

"Well, so am I." I replied. "Wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't."

No, headvoice, I did not require a contingency plan for everything downloaded in my head. That would mean it got crowded in there.

"Besides, I'd wear a palm leaf dress and a coconut bikini at a tropical beach..." Asia said as if it were the most normal thing in the world, and I think my face invented a new shade of dark red, all on its own. Asia wasn't supposed to say things like that!

"Let's just go back home, alright Asia? I'm tired of the shopping and beating up Fallen Angels." I said.

"WE WILL FOLLOW LORD HYODO!"

I hoped they didn't yell that when I was asleep.

* * *

I got home quickly by making the Fallen Angels carry us and the shopping bags to my home. Unfortunately, there was a tiny detail I may have overlooked...

"Issei, what is the meaning of this?" Irina asked, Xenovia scowling at me.

"WATCH OUT LORD HYODO, A PAIR OF JUNIOR INQUISITORS!" the Fallen behind me yelled, and they started to dogpile the two poor girls in front of me. Come on guys, not again...

**A/N: Mostly unbeta'd! Now with extra LORD HYODO!**


End file.
